dearest bloggers,

Hm.  Not sure how to say this.  It's kind of weird even typing it.  But I'll no longer be posting here on Sisters in the Savior.  I'm not deleting it -- I could never do that.  It'll still be here if you wanna visit.  Ya know, for old times sake or... something.

This blog is so dear to me.  I can't begin to describe how much it means to me.  It's allowed me to be myself when I didn't know who I was.  God knew I needed an outlet, and this... this was it.  God brought me close friends -- true friends -- that I'd asked Him to send me for so many years.  I'm so grateful for everything He's given me through this blog.  Everything He's taught me.  It will always be a piece of me, but me... isn't me anymore.

I have been revived.  I'm not trying to sound spiritual or holier-than-thou.  But God has awakened me from my sleep.  He's shown me my need for grace and that doing this by myself just isn't going to cut it.  He convicted me and told me I know nothing of holy... but I want to.  I want to crave His word like I crave pepperoni pizza from Little Caesar's.  I want pray like I breathe -- incessantly.  I want to hang out with Jesus like He's sitting right next to me.. 'cause He is.

So.  Starting on this new journey, I'm starting a new blog.  It's called "fanatical," inspired by the Lecrae song.

"I'm a F-A-N-A-T-I-C, fanatic!  I'll rep Christ till I D-I-E, fanatic!  I'm not extreme, I'm redeemed with faith to serve a God that's extremely great!  I'm a fanatic!"

Because life's too short to be anything but a fanatic.  A fanatic for Christ.

Any fanatics out there?

Love,
Anna

[forallthefanatics.blogspot.com]

tenth avenue north + andy mineo + lecrae.

"Jesus was a nice guy, but wasn't no friend to me.  My lips said I loved Him, my actions despised His reign.  I had my own agenda, I was my own king..." -Andy Mineo, "Formerly Known"

So.  Another reason my blog's name/address is changing.  I'm taking a step in my walk, and I wanted my blog to take a step with me.

It's kind of hard to tell ya'll this, but I think you've all been there in some point in time.  When you talked the talk, but didn't walk the walk.  Where everything you said was Jesus, but nothing you did was. Where your schedule was empty and there was still no room on the calendar for spending time with God.  That's where I was.  And it's not 'was' as in a year ago.  Five months ago.  Try four days ago.

I don't know what clicked, but when I listened to Tenth Avenue North's CD, Over and Underneath, something did.  The lyrics were just so worship-filled.  Every song was telling me how great God is, just in different words.  "Love Is Here" told me God isn't later.  He is right now -- in this moment.  Which lead to the thought, "Why am I waiting?  Why do I keep pushing Him to the side?"  Which eventually led to this post.

The answers to my questions weren't exactly reassuring.

Why am I waiting?
Apathy, complacency, laziness...

Why do I keep pushing Him to the side?
Because I think I have better things to do.

What can be better than God?  I don't know about you guys, but when I've experienced His presence, it's like a high that lasts for a week or two.  Events like church camp.  Winter retreat.  Concerts.  But that "high" wears off.  And I'm right back to where I started.  I make time for anything and everything, rather than My Everything being my schedule.  It's pathetic, really.  But I think a lot of us get caught in these ruts, where Jesus was a a nice guy, but wasn't no friend to me.  Where we determine our own fate and end up even more miserable than we were before.

"I had a dream that I was captain of my soul, I was master of fate.  I lost control and then I sank.  So I don't wanna take the lead, 'cause I'm prone to make mistakes..." -Lecrae, "Background"

I was blending in, not standing out.  I had become part of the crowd all over again, worrying what people thought of me, just wanting to be accepted.  I'd become complacent and apathetic, just like everyone else. Complaining about homework, rolling my eyes at people's faults instead confessing my own.  That's not how it's supposed to be.  We were made to be light in a dark world.

"I was made to light it up, city on a hill top.  And I know the Only Way so hit me when you feel lost.  So put your shades on, you know lower your frames.  'Cause when His glory shines, you gon' lower your frame..." -Lecrae in "Let There Be Light" by Andy Mineo

can you help me out with my chemistry?

Both kinds.  One being the actual subject and the other being the guy-girl thing. *heavy sigh* I'm utterly confused.

See, the only reason I decided to take chemistry this year is because all of my junior friends raved about Mrs. Elrod and how easy she made it seem.  Well, um... SHE MOVED.  And now I have a chemical engineer that doesn't have a teaching degree.  He's really nice and he tries extremely hard, but he's just.. not a teacher.  When he tries to answer a question I have, I am pushed even further into this endless hole of confusion.  Numbers and elements swirl around in my head, never finding the correct place on the paper. We're discussing different kinds of reactions right now.  Here's what's called a synthesis reaction, or a reaction where two elements combine to form a new compound.

anna + chemistry ----->  F

The only reason I'm passing that class with an A (yes, I'm a nerd -- sorry to disappoint) right now is because all the homework grades are participation.  I don't know what I'm going to do when the next test rolls around.  The last test didn't turn out so pretty.  I made a 75... with a curve and two bonus points. *head/desk x 10*

Then there's the guy-girl thing...

So.

There's this guy (obviously..).  He loves God and Lecrae and drives this old-but-not-too-old-just-perfect pickup truck.  I'm good friends with his sister and his little brother and I have a continual joke-argument about this football play.  He waves at me, says hi, and always seems to be around when I am.  He's sat by me when their were plenty of open seats and when he looks at me, his eyes are always smiling like "I know something you don't know."  But it hasn't gone further than that.  Mainly because we're both shy.. or because he doesn't like me?  I mean, when a guy likes a girl, doesn't he do something about it?  Well, I guess he sort of has.  And I didn't give him a clear answer.  Or any answer.

He asks nicely, "Anyone sitting here?"

"No," I say, barely forcing the word out of my mouth.

We sit there in silence.  He's probably thinking "She's not into me" and I'm just happy to be in his presence.

Another instance.  Me and few friends from youth group are sitting around the table talking.  I talk to Abbey and Courtney and Elliot, but I can't bring myself to talk to him.  Because talking to him requires eye contact and eye contact means that feeling you get after you drop down the first hill on a roller coaster. And that feeling goes straight to my brain and jumbles up all the letters, words, and sentences in my head. So just don't look at him -- problem solved, right?  Wrong.  'Cause then he thinks I don't like him.. and I really, really do.

I love his voice and that it reminds me of warm, maple syrup.

I love his wittiness.

I love how he wears the same pair of khaki shorts nearly every Sunday.

I love that his favorite Poptarts are the cinnamon ones, just like me.

I love the way he says my name.

I love how when we're together, I feel like we could do anything.

I love that he loves Jesus.

But he doesn't know that.

Because I'm failing chemistry -- both kinds.

sweet sixteen and never swapped spit.

Blunt, I know.  Demeaning to the wonderful, romantical thought of kissing.  But it's true.  As of yesterday, I'm officially sixteen and never been kissed.  Funny.  Some people -- most people -- would find that humiliating, but I'm rather proud of it.  It's more than a lot of girls can say.  It might have something to do with I've never dated anyone either.. but still.

I'm not trying to bash on people that have had their first kiss already or before they turned sixteen. Nononono. It's a personal thing, a deal I have with God.  Well, not really a deal.  A promise, I guess.  It's something like this:

God, I know You already have my love story written and sitting on Your shelf of fairy tales.  And since I know You made it magical, I'm not going to kiss a guy until I've dated him at least two years and truly believe he might be the guy You have set apart for me.  No making out, no groping, no doing IT.  Just hand-holding and hugs and a possible goodnight kiss, after that two year mark, that is.  And I won't give him my whole heart, because it belongs to You and You alone.  Thanks for loving me enough to put every perfect detail in my book and for having a [hopefully] blue-eyed, gentlemanly, blue-jeans-Tshirt-and-TOMS guy out there for me.  I know He'll be everything I ever wanted, 'cause he'll be what You wanted for me. And You know me better than I know me.

But, as I stated before, that's my commitment.  I don't expect yours to comply with mine.  But I do hope you have your own set of standards.  Namely, because of this this verse.

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. [proverbs 4:23]

Think about it.  If you give your secrets, your kisses -- your heart -- to a guy and he breaks it, "everything you do" is going to be broken, too.  But if you give your heart to God and let Him decide who to give it to, your heart will be in perfect condition, and everything you do will show it.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that once you give part of yourself away, you can't get it back.  And the more you give, the less you have to give to your guy.  I believe waiting makes something more valuable. Take my TOMS for example.  I've wanted them for almost two years and now they're finally on their way to my front porch.  Do you think I'll run through mud in them?  Step in something gross?  No.  I'll be especially careful to make sure they stay nice as long as humanly possible.  Why?  Because I'll value them. And why will I value them?  Because I had to wait for them.  It's the same way with love.  The longer a guy has to wait for you, the more he'll value you.  Somebody smart once said, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder."  

I think I'll go find a tower to hide away in and wait till my true love comes to give me the smoulder.

;)

"i just wanna be like You"

"He will use the concert/trip to teach you something important, so be prepared to learn."

This was advice from my dear friend Kathryn, letter-form (the most sincere form of communication, jussayin').  Little did I know, she was right.  But not about the topic she's thinking of.  No, my lesson was on focus.

See, I went on this trip with a few wishes, daydreams -- whatever you want to call them -- tucked in my pocket.  My crush was on this trip, and I was hoping to catch his eye.  I'm not the flashy kind of girl, and I'm not overly flirty.  I'm content watching from a distance, pondering all these things in my heart.

But just because I don't show my 'like' for someone doesn't mean I don't think about them.  Doesn't mean I don't enjoy a smile meant just for me, or a "Hey Anna!".  Doesn't mean that person wasn't my focus. Because he was.  Until now.

For those of you who are big time Lecrae fans (memememe! :)), you know how awesome a role model he is for us teenagers that are learning to pursue Christ.  Well, he's not just an awesome role model -- he's an awesome preacher.  I know God gave him the words because it was like they were gripping my heart; they weren't flat like usual.  He talked about how the world's like a sandbox and how you can drink sand all day long, but it's just going to make you more thirsty.  And how if you're not drinking in Jesus, you're still going to be thirsty.  He said Jesus can't be a part of your life.  He has to be your life.  And in that moment, I knew I needed to make Jesus my life, not just a piece of the puzzle.  Because He's the glue that holds the pieces together.  Not a boy.  Not my social ranking.  Not the amount of money in my pocket.  JESUS.

And yet, I can't seem to find ten minutes in my day to spend with Him.  He's lucky to get a prayer at the end of the day, memorized and droning.  I think more about a guy than I do The Guy.  More about questions on my homework than The Answer.  More about this world than it's Creator.   It's pathetic and "I'm afraid that this complacency is something I can't shake."

I want Him to be my focus, but how can He be when I won't put forth the effort?  I seriously need to reevaluate myself and see where God is.  'Cause right now, I'm like me.  And me is tired of apathy.  Tired of being ineffective.  I don't want to be like me.

"I just wanna be like You -- walk like, talk like, even think like You.  The only one I could look to.  You're teachin' me to be just like You.  I just gotta be like, like I just gotta be like You..." -Lecrae